You were standing up on your bike pedals, careening towards a four way intersection...and I knew you would stop. I didn't yell, my safety radar didn't hit code red....because I know you.
The knowing of you, just hit me. Like getting dropped into a dunk tank of caramel, its so sweet it almost makes my knees buckle. realizing the intertwined-yet-totally separateness of you and me had me undone on a suburban street in the cities as your little brother and cousin zipped right behind you...following the leader.
You see Bridger, the way that I trust you, and the way that I trust you to be someone that your little brother can follow and your little cousin ride right behind means that you are my lead dog. Yes, I did just have my first stint at volunteering at the John Bear grease Sled dog Race last year....but this really is a compliment! Bridger, you and I have spent time together...a whole lot of time together. Time where I am teaching you, and times where I am holding back and allowing your character to come out and be tested. Times where we are rolled up like puppies whiling away an afternoon reading every book on the shelf..just being. You see, I didn't even realize how much all the time we have spent together has established a rock steady trust that transformed you from a 4 year old bike riding boy, who from the untrained eye is about to ride into traffic and lead the two littler ones to their doom, into my Lead Dog.
This relationship has changed me from a fretful mom, into a proud and confident Musher, trusting you with the rest of my prized team. There is this admiration that I have for you, a pride that comes from not anything I have done, but from a place of seeing you become the best you. I knew you could do it! All the laps around the block, all the repeating, all the training wasn't for nothing...its sneaked up on me. Right now, a movie reel of you being my first born, all the times things didn't go right, all the times we kept at it..two uninterrupted years of you being my baby, my highest aspiration, my coworker and my Boss, my partner in crime. All of these memories are dumping into my heart as I watch you ride up to the intersection, drop your left foot and sit back onto your seat by the stop sign and look back to me.
Man, I knew that investing in you completely was the best thing I could give up my job and my time to do...but I never knew when I was going to get a report card on how it was going until today. Your eyes grab mine as you give me the familiar two fingers pointing to your eyes, and then to my eyes. Proudly, you are letting me know that you have stayed in my sight, and I am in yours.
I am crushed by how much sweetness life has to offer. I don't deserve to get to taste it all, but I do get to taste it, again and again and again.
You don't even know it Bridger, but you have this gut wrenching iron character that keeps me guessing, alright, keeps me a little envious. This genuine want to, in your words, "make other people feel good, and I will feel good too!" Where does this come from? You are completely content with being yourself, and you see your brother, not as a little brother, but as your equal. You have a respect for life, an aching to be not funny but "hilarious" and a mind that just seems to understand how things work even more than what they do. Your character is strong Bridger, in Haiti they would ask if someone is "strong in Faith" and you my son are strong in Faith. I trust you, and I see you not elevating yourself, but including people into your world, on your level. To put icing on the cake, when we read books, you mindlessly slip your fingers into mine. Unconsciously, you have started putting your arm around my neck when you bombard us in the morning and snuggle in our bed. I am achingly proud of all the ways that you are growing forward, but they way that you keep reaching back for me makes me cry with gratefulness.
You are going to change this world Bridger for the better, you'll walk straight into worthy things and point out the beautiful things, and the ways that things should be better. I am so excited to watch how you'll love being part of this world and how it will love you...but I will always be grateful for how you reach back, and take my hand in yours.
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