The Lake was beautiful today...awe inspiring. As I walked, my heart gradually felt a nearness, along with a quiet peace slip around my shoulders. This, I have learned, is the most priceless part about living..experiencing my creators presence and love for me. It wipes away the nagging "to do" list, it berates the icky voice that tells me how "deficent I am, how unloveable and a screw up" I am. As my Mom would say, the presence of my papa, kicks butt and takes names. He won't stand for me beating myself up, or all the lies that this present world wants me to believe. In short, He is a jealous Dad who is delighting in His toddler aka me. You see, he is ferocious when it comes to me. If I was the only person on the whole earth....He still would have had so much love for me, that He would have said "Yes" to the cross. Nothing feels better than giving Him my attention. When I do, I start to hear him love me in still quiet voices. Every part of my body and my mind relaxes as He talks to me. Nothing has ever connected so deep inside me, there has never been this "home"ness outside of Him. Even experiencing the over-the-top, all-the-time, love that I get to have from Jake....still pales. Which nothing can compare to being loved by this man. Genuine, crazy over me, fearless in my defence, communicator to my soul. Never has there been a person in life who has so completely known me, more than I know myself, and completely believes that I am the one treasure that makes all the rest of life worth tasting. Even that daily experience, is a gift from Jesus, that gets oxygen breathed into it, only from Him. After all, He designed me, and designed Jake. So how could we think it was about us?
"This is My son, chosen and marked by my Love, Delight of my Life." matt 3:17
This was draped all over me today as I walked. I kept hearing Him say it to me...personally. I always want to know the answer to questions, all kinds really. What should I do today? or big ones, what should I do in life, Jesus? am I significant? do I really matter? But He tattooed this thought onto my heart today. My appetite for vision and planning are all satisfied in this; He made me, and delights in me. That is the purpose of it all. If I fail to experience that today...that is a tradgedy in His eyes. If one day went by where Bridger and Jericho never noticed/understood or enjoyed how much I love them....that would put sorrow all over the day. No matter what I did for them, if they didn't experience my overwhelming gushing "like" of them...what a waste. I realized that the reality that I am living is even better than my dreams. Now, that is no small epiphany for a chronic dreamer and Grass is greener girl. That is the reason that I felt the unwavering tug in my gut to write it down. Writing solidifies the experience. So tomorrow, when my heart is all wimpy soggy and my children have transformed into hooligans, I can still read the truth. I notice off and on, that this raise my kids gig, is pretty amazing, but I have never stopped dreaming of more things. Which makes me think that I am not a "natural" stay at homer. I was pulled up short today on the lakewalk...I literally felt every motion in the water, leaves and air stop, as I felt God's eyeballs grab my attention and make me look Him in the face. "Diana, I have gifted you to be a mother. You are highly gifted in teaching, enjoying and influencing your kids. It comes from Me, not you...and you know what? Everything about you jives with it....you are actually living the dream my girl."
Thunderstruck, I looked stupid and stood still on the lakewalk as it all sunk in. Gifted? Highly effective? and I enjoy the process? Hmm. Pings started rattling off in my brain. I am most satisfied when I am doing the thing that matters the Most in life, I like to invest my time and energy where it is going to impact the most. Hence, the combat medic, missionary to HIV peeps in Africa...and I guess investing in kids. I love pajama mondays+naps+snacks...the whole "master of my domain" happens everyday as I Get to decide our schedule. This is a journal entry from last week:
Aug. 15th, 2010
"Jesus, what do you think about me? I love living life at home with my kids. I count it priceless honor to witness their "firsts" and each moment they learn and live and experience the world and You. Thanks you for letting me put pause on a life full of alarm clocks, deadlines, paychecks, adult dull conversation and monday-is-coming, sunday night depression. Freedom! Lazy afternoons curled up reading Shel Silverstein and the Prince and the Pauper between wrestling matches. Piled up like puppies, we pant like we just won a marathon. This is the way to taste an afternoon, rustling leaves outside the window tickle our ears and imagination as we cuddle eachother. Yes, there is a big exciting world out there...chomping at the bit I sometimes feel the boundary of my precious little people. Mabe their childhood wonder has reignited my sense of wonder. All of a sudden I'm not "tired". I energetically see things all around me, I long to create or take part in. Dance classes, paddle boarding, teepee making. soccer playing, serving poor folks at the Mission,. Creating a medical clinic for folks, college classes, furniture making, bread baking, ethiopian cooking, Doctoring, photography, bookmaking, writing, running, music making."

How amazing that I just paused today, gave God a bit of my attention, turned around and realized that my daily grind is better than all ideas put together. Today, I realized I am Living The Dream.